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today

I just passed in the next day. My neighbour is quarreling with his relatives on some properties.
I like this blog cause it's like a confession. I need to confess. I'm thinking to visit the priest for a confession. The confession set you free but it can become addicted of it. writing is good.
I'm thinking of my father. Sometimes I feel bad about him. I treated him badly. I should have confessed myself that period of time. I was crazy during that time. I regret a lot of things, but I have to be aware cause I have o lot of enemies. I don't want to have enemies.
I have to tell the priest that I kinda baptized in the independent church. I never denied my baptism in the Orthodox Church. I always recognized it as my first baptism. I tried to defend myself. I'm wondering if it is it good or bad.
Yesterday morning my sister and her husband came over and helped me to sell the iron. I got 330 ron. It's enough to pay my current bills.
I wanted to write about my ex girlfriend. She is called Cristina. She is now in Italy. She got married with an Italian guy few years ago. She has a little boy of 4.
I think I treated her badly too sometimes. We spent a lot of time together. She was virgin and she made love with me. She loved me a lot but after she went college in Bucharest our relationship got worse and worse.
I still smoke. I don't know if it is good or bad. Anyway...
I was talking about Cristina. I can remember when we made love the first time.
I was harsh with her. I accused her of not being virgin. I was a jerk.
Now I can realise how bad she felt when she gave me her virginity and then I accused her of not being virgin. I changed myself a lot from then on. I was very religious, but in kinda bad way.
I'm listening to Fox news talk.
I talked recently to Cristina via IM Messenger. I'm happy about that. I think she still think that I am a little crazy. I didn't talk to her very much. I hope to talk to her more in the future. She is married and I understand her. Her husband might be jealous, or maybe not.
I can remember when I used to go to Bucharest and she used to wait for me every weekend. We made love in the park. We didn't have a place to go. Afterwards she came to Bucharest too. I had a room rented and I didn't want ta share that place with her. She has a room in the campus too. I think my friends envied me for her. She was fair haired and blue eyed. I used to call her 'eyes of sky and hair of sun'. A period of time I stayed in a campus room too with my friend Eugen. He helped me to come to Bucharest. I will write about him too, but later cause he was an important character too for me. He died in the meantime.
I don't know how exactly I broke up with Cristina. I actually wanted from before to broke up with her. She knew that and she felt hurt all the time. When we broke up for good she said she never loved me. Anyway... Just before that I was very in love with her like I never was before. I asked her to marry me and she refused me. She wanted to merry me before but I didn't want to. Now it was my turn. I can remember that I used to visit her every Sunday after the church with a white flower and ask her in marriage. She always refused me. I was a jerk anyway, or maybe dump. I had good intentions anyway. I think she had a lot to learn from me like I had a lot to learn out of the experience with her. I spent a lot of time with her.
I want to get to best out of my previous life.
The church had had a big role in my life. Cristina wasn't like me. She didn't want to go to church with me. I was dreaming of a Christian relationship with her but I couldn't make it.
Well, what to tell more about this love relationship.
It was my most important love relationship in my life. After her I never had a serious relationship. Only occasional ones. Her mother used to influence her very much, but I don't blame her at all. It in her place I would have done the same.
I don't want to make her problems with her husband. I think I couldn't really do this cause they have a family now and a child. She couldn't afford to do this.
The times are changing so fast.
Sometimes we need to forget stuff. Without forgetting we couldn't really live. I learned that from the psychology textbook.
I'm thinking of the beginning of the new year of school. I pray God to help me have o good relationship with my students and my colleagues. Not like the year before. I made a lot of people mad on me. I was like a thorn for my colleagues and my principals. I talk to my she principal few days ago. I had a good conversation with her. I tried to get well with her. Oh God please help me to get well with everybody and not have any enemy.
I always think of my father. Oh, Jesus Christ why did I have such a fate. Why did he had to die. It was something unexpected. I couldn't get to know him well enough. I was such a jerk. I treated my mom badly too. I told her a lot of bad words. Now, thank Jesus, I'm very well with my sister and just well with mom. we kinda live in the same place. We live in the same yard but sleep in separate buildings.
The prosecutors traumatized me after my father death. They of course suspected me of hitting my father the day he died and that why he died. They dragged me to the lie detector two times.
They even charged me. Last time when they questioned me was few months ago. I hope they will let me alone. I had a lot of no sleep nights because of them. Sometimes they treated my very harshly mostly when I was at the lie detector the first time. They called me 'criminal' and shouted at me and told me that I have no escape and anyway I will go to jail. I waisted a lot of time of my life with craps.
I don't have any friend. Only my sister. She is the only person who I trust on this Earth. And my mom maybe. They helped me when I was in distress with the Police and the prosecutor.
I don't know what's happening with my case. The last time when I met the prosecutor he told me that he is charging me with my father's death. They asked me to sign a paper as I got to know that. After that I expected to call me to Bucharest as they told me but they didn't. My lawyer told me that this is a good sign. I hope so. I want to be left alone. I want to build my life. I don't want to go to jail being not guilty. I am sorry for my behavior before my father death, but I didn't hit him on the day he died. I used to hit him before, weeks before. He didn't fall on the concrete because of any hit from me. I don't know why he fell. It's something strange for me too.
I think I wrote enough for now.
See you later.

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